Life with Aria

“No one else will ever know the strength of my love for you. After all, you’re the only one who knows the sound of my heart from the inside.” – Kristen Prob

This is so hard. Tears are already rolling down my cheeks and on to my keyboard as I write this and I am not a crier. The bond we have can never be replicated. We knew each other before we even met in a way no one else can understand. You knew my voice, my heart rhythms, my movements. I knew your sleep patterns, felt your rolling kicks and turns, your hiccups.

I’m sort of in denial that you are now five. Five sounds so very big to me. It’s not a toddler and most certainly, not a baby. But that doesn’t change the fact that you are and always will be MY baby.

Confession time, five years ago when it came time to leave the hospital with you I was terrified. I asked the nurses if I could stay an extra day or two, they all laughed and told me I will do just fine. But I was convinced that I’d do everything wrong, even the most basic tasks like diaper changes, carrying you, feedings, baths. So it’s still hard to believe that we’ve made it this far. All the things they tell you about it happening in the blink of an eye and how the days are long but the years are short – it’s all true.

You’ve grown a lot this past year, both physically and emotionally. You’re still sensitive and your feelings get hurt easily. But we’re working on verbalizing your thoughts and using our words to explain how we feel. It’s a tough thing to learn. Even I still struggle with it.

We butt heads…so much so that I can’t even begin to imagine what the teen years will bring. The decibels at which screams come out of your mouth is mind-blowing and sometimes I feel I might explode with frustration. But you are independent and know what you want. Lucky for me, you also love to snuggle and are quick to forgive after a disagreement. I’ll take that while I can. I hope we can always hug it out.

You have opinions and preferences but you still want help. You are shy until you warm up to someone, and then there is nothing shy about you! You become the life of the party, your sense of humor and kindness are your greatest qualities. You are seriously one funny kid. I don’t think I’ve met many people with better comedic timing, you constantly have me in stitches, from your witty comebacks and quick thinking.

It is never my intention to push you, but I will always advocate for you. I once was a shy kid as well, and I know good things can stem from that, but sitting on the sidelines isn’t always an option. You are capable of wonderful things. I will do my best to guide you and remember, I am learning along with you.

In the moments where I dwelled on my short-comings as a parent, you proved to me that it was my failings, that urge me to be better – to do better. You’ve taught me to parent with conviction. Most importantly though, being your mother has protected me from myself. In days of doubt, hours of stress and anxiety you have pulled me out the other side and shown me how to persevere.

I will be your greatest cheerleader, your teacher and your strongest protector. Because you have done that for me. Being your mother has been an honor and privilege and not a day goes by that I am not grateful for you. I am a better person today because of you and this journey that you have taken me on has been profoundly the best time of my life.

There are no words to express the depth of pride I have for the small person I have raised. You are strong, stronger than most and you are intuitive. I am so looking forward to witnessing the development of the young woman you will become. I know you will do tremendous things in your life. I know this because I know you – even before we met.

I love you and thank you. Love your mommy.

Sometimes it feels like society puts so much pressure on the idea of always being happy, successful and stress free. If you are not in that position, you have failed at life. This mindset has led us to believe that showing a sense of vulnerability is a sign of weakness. We all have good days and bad.

Some days I’m on this natural high. High on life, high on the grind and just feeling myself. Then there are days when I’m down and unable to find the strength to even get out of bed. It’s easy to look like you have it all together in front of the world. Walk around with your best face as we continue to face rejection, failures and criticism.

It’s important to realize that we all at some point go through this and it’s ok to lose it. Whether you choose to deal with it by crying, shutting yourself out from the world, or sleeping it off and dealing with it another day.

SO WHAT! GIVE YOURSELF THAT TIME!!

Life has been so hectic and exhausting the last few months. It was like a domino effect one thing after another. I haven’t been blogging because it’s a little difficult to take photos and get content with a broken ankle or rather I’ve just been feeling frustrated and down about it 🤷‍♀️🤣. I’ve been taking time for myself to deal with that, personal life issues and work related things. I realized if I looked at it as an obstacle to overcome, I’ll eventually get what I want. Life is a journey of learning and growth, and everything happens for a reason. In fact, some of life’s greatest lessons is from failures. Truth is no matter how much we try to control our lives, there are things we simply cannot control.

This journey is what shapes us into the person we are today. Whether it happens to be a good day or a bad day. No matter what, you have a purpose and you are worthy. People do care about you, you are not alone, you are here for a reason, and the world would not be the same without you. I must admit, I am still trying to accept this myself. I know that it is part of life and whether or not others choose to show it, its reality.

As we celebrate what we are thankful for this week, I give my greatest thank to this little lady right here. She’s everything I ever wanted…and more. Motherhood is hard…at times, it feels impossible. Single parenting ain’t easy! (I say that lightly, as I’m grateful for help from my family…what would we do without grandparents?!) She’s given me the strength and determination to do it to the best of my ability. She gives me unconditional love and the “bestest” friendship that life offers. She’s the one person who will always be there to laugh with me…or at me. 😉 For these things, I am thankful, grateful and blessed!

Life can sometimes be an emotional roller coaster. Some days you’re up and some days you’re down. After rereading my last post after surgery, I realized that no matter how positively you frame your situation the tears will sneak up on you (Yes it could have been worse and people are starving somewhere). But no matter how many chin up days you have in a row you will break down because being laid up is just HARD. It’s hard on the body, it’s hard on the will, it’s hard on everyone around you, and all that hardness will catch up with you, when you least expect it. So prepare to open the floodgates. You’re not crazy (well, no more than anyone else).

Although it’s tempting to hibernate until you’re better, some things are essential to feeling like you haven’t been excommunicated from the planet. Like your appearance. As superficial as it sounds, looking good is feeling good, and if you sacrifice your hair, your wax or any other routine that makes you feel like you, you’ll find your soul on a downward spiral. So do yourself a favor and get whatever help you need to keep your beauty routine intact. It makes a world of difference.

Everywhere you go, people will ask how you broke your foot. You will need to come up with 3 versions, a short version, long version and a exciting (fabricated) version depending on how much time you have to tell your story. After your 100th time don’t be shocked by your crazy desire to punch someone in the throat. My fabricated version is I was climbing El Capitan, you know free solo — no biggie.) 😉

Lastly, another thing I’ve realized this week — the outdoors is all that it’s cracked up to be. A forced hibernation really makes you crave some fresh air, no matter the weather. Just get outside and never take mother nature or good health for granted.

Here is to a blissful speedy recovery and a better 3rd week. ❤

In a world where the Kardashians body/booty are so glorified we need to remember that what we see of them and others, aren’t always reality. It’s ok to use that as an inspiration but don’t get too caught up in it. And GUYS, don’t make comments or compare girls to these heavily edited Insta models you follow.

I’ll be the first to admit that pics are all about good angles and lighting. Remember social media is not real life and never let anyone’s photo make you feel insecure about yourself. If you don’t look like her or she doesn’t look like you, that’s how it’s meant to be. You are meant to be you and no one else.

Social media has become a toxic mirror. If you want to change your physical appearance, do it for yourself and not to meet a beauty standard.

Having worked so hard to lose almost 40 lbs within the last 18 months to now being skinny-shamed. Women just can’t win. We constantly have our bodies being policed by society and I’m so over it!!

Don’t be so hard on yourself and stop comparing yourself to others. When you look at your reflection, all you see is your physical form. You’re looking for flaws. But remember when others see you, they see your personality and intelligence also – the whole you.

❤

Productivity of pretty much any sort has always helped me avoid depression and anxiety. So when I found myself injured and unable to leave my house, I immediately became agitated. I didn’t know what to do with myself, and as a chronic over-thinker my initial tendency was to lie in bed or on the couch, mentally beating myself up and letting my mind run rampant with thoughts that were mostly negative and unwarranted.

I tried to stay mindful of the fact that while it might not feel like it and seems initially counterintuitive, letting yourself rest is NOT time wasted.

I started to embrace the power of rest, and before long was actually having a pretty great time reading and binge-watching shows and films I’d been meaning to check out. (I’m working my way through everything on Disney +) I accepted that it was okay to let my ankle heal, and that gaining something from a book or show, even if it was just a few minutes of laughter, was something worth feeling good about.

Even though you may not be able to exercise or even move very much depending on your injury, you can control what you eat, what you drink and your attitude toward your health.

One thing I worried about is gaining back weight I had lost. Since I can’t burn as many calories through movement as I had become accustomed to, I make sure to eat healthier and get the vitamins and nutrients I need to heal a fractured bone.

Writing or blogging your thoughts and feelings is a great way to connect to the emotions and literally get them out.

You will get better and no matter how sad, depressed, anxious or agitated you feel, always remember that. It may take some work, and it may take some time, but it will be worth doing whatever it takes.

Here’s to a blissful speedy recovery, happiness and good health!

❤

It’s my 34th anniversary of the day I was born, my 34th trip around the sun. It’s the time I get to reflect on the last year. Getting older doesn’t scare me. I revel in the fact that I’m older and therefore a little wiser just having experienced more along the way.

I guess in your 30’s you begin to really understand who you are—strengths, weaknesses, habits, and knowing and accepting yourself allows for a whole new level of appreciation of life. It’s all about living in gratitude (even grateful for all those new fun “traits” you have at an older age). I mean, in our 30’s we’ve all experienced enough heartbreak and disappointments to truly appreciate the areas in life which we’ve been blessed.

I am choosing to live in my own purpose, UNAPOLOGETICALLY ME. This has been a year of massive emotional progress. I am a completely a different person than I was this time last year, and still have a long way to go.

Personal growth is an ongoing process and it is never “finished”. I am proud of myself for the changes I’ve made and challenges I’ve overcome. It hasn’t been all rainbows and 🦄, there have been tears, internal tantrums, anxiety and sadness. But it’s all helped make me into who I am today. I’m proud of the woman I am and believe in the woman I aspire to be. I wouldn’t want to be in a world where I’m not growing, not becoming stronger and more self-aware.

I’m beyond grateful for everything I’ve gained, and everything I’ve let go. I’m grateful for tough lessons learned and the sweet peace of healing. I’m grateful for the wisdom and humility. I’m grateful for strength and rest. I feel like my 30s have brought about a freedom that words can’t really describe.

Today is all you have. You can certainly hope that there will be a tomorrow, but truly, there are no guarantees. I’m a planner and am constantly thinking of the “what’s next” in my life. But lately, I’ve started to appreciate the “now.” I try to remember that getting older is a privilege and that with each year we have the opportunity to be the person we fully desire to be, and share time with those who mean the most.

Truthfully, my heart feels more whole than it ever has and I’m happier than I’ve ever been. Of course there are days when I find myself down, but Aria is always there to remind me how blessed I am. If there were ever a time in my life when I felt least alone, it is now. Here is to another year of learning, growing, loving and living.

Remember, it’s okay to do life backwards, or sideways, or upside down. It is, after all, LIFE.

My resolutions for my thirty-fourth year:

Take in some musuems.

Make more time to read.

Break curfew more often. I’m such a 👵.

Get back into some rhythm of exercise.

Focus on the present.

Turn my phone off more frequently.

Blog and take more photos.